With baseball season upon us it’s important to think of being “safe at home” as not only a baseball term but also a parenting goal. When our teen(s) are safe at home everyone wins.
Our teen(s) have an animal brain and a human brain. The animal brain is primitive, survival focused and fear based. The animal brain is instinctual and reactive. It looks for threats then reacts through fight or flight.
We, their parents, have this animal brain too. When we or they live from fear we are living from this primitive part of our brain. Fearful people are desperate and dangerous people. When in the animal brain we react instead of reflecting and then responding. There is greater chance of errors in judgment and poor impulse control with reaction.
Fortunately we also have a human brain or neocortex. This brain operates from a higher order. It sees life in terms of appreciation and/or love. It is the seat of our spirit and our ability to reflect. It is the part of our brain that allows us to move beyond survival to thriving. We can not be in a state of appreciation/love and fear at the same time.
Our teen(s) all too often operate from a position of fear. They are afraid of how fast their world is changing, whether they will be accepted or rejected by peers, whether they have what it takes to succeed and any number of other fears of self-consciousness.
When we make our homes a place where our teen(s) fear criticism, disgust, harsh language or anger we are forcing them to live from there instinctual, fear based, survival oriented animal brain. Of course this also means that they are in a fight or flight mode and are reacting instead of reflecting. We have engaged them in exactly the most dangerous manner possible. While fear works temporarily in immobilizing the fearful person as soon as the inhibition passes the reaction is unpredictable and often desperate.
On the other hand, when we insist on a spirit of love, encouragement, support and hope we create a safe home. In the safety of this kind of home environment our teen(s) can escape the crushing pressures of their adolescent world and our toxic culture. They can then begin to learn how to live from a higher order. They can initiate their human brain, their neocortex, and live in more appreciation. They can live from a place of thriving and love. We must insist that our homes are safe for our teen(s). They must be “safe at home.”